If I Lose Read online

  I would like to dedicate this book to my mother.

  Without losing you, I wouldn’t have had a story to tell.

  You’re in my heart everyday.

  The Burn Our Houses Down Series

  If I Lose

  By:

  Kelsey D. Garmendia

  Prologue

  I never thought I would run from safety, but this place will kill me if I stay any longer. It’s been five years, 6 months and 15 days since Xavier left Aisley and I at the Fort’s gates.

  Aisley turns 14 in two days; they’ll try and take her next. I need to get our family safe. The only way is to run—like before.

  I need you, Xavier. I need to find you—for all of our sake’s.

  For You

  Book One

  January 6, 2013

  “Hayley,” a tiny voice says into my ear. I try to open my eyes, but they’re just too damn heavy. “Hayley, please wake up! I don’t want to lose you too.”

  I don’t hear Xavier. I know that’s Aisley but—where am I? I can’t remember—

  You have to go here. I’ll be back to get you soon. I love you, Hayles. Always have, always will.

  I’m—I’m at the fort. He got us here! But, he couldn’t—come with us. He—

  A scream rips through my throat. I sit up feeling a sharp pain shoot through my spinal cord.

  A door slams shut. “Ms. Henderson!” a voice yells. “Please, lay back down! You’ve been seriously injured—”

  “Where is he?” I yell. I try and get out of bed, but a small voice stops me.

  “Mom?”

  Oh my god, Aisley? Her dirty blond hair falls to her lower back; her face fuller and less defined by protruding bones. She looks so grown up. “Aisley?” I reach and touch her skin. It’s so smooth, like it’s never even seen the outside.

  The nurse walks with a small needle to where I can’t see her anymore. I start crying, and Aisley reaches out to wipe the tears from my face.

  “Yeah,” she responds smiling. “You’ve been out for a week.”

  “What day is it?” I ask. My body relaxes, and I lay back against the softness of my mattress.

  “My birthday was yesterday,” Aisley responds. “I’m 10 now.”

  I smile and take hold of her hand. She’s 10—which means it’s 2013. Her birthday was January 5. The nurse reaches behind my head and pulls a tube under my nose.

  “I gave you something to help you relax, Ms. Henderson,” she says. I nod my head and rest it on my pillow.

  “Where’s Xavier?” I ask. No one responds. I look over at Aisley, and her eyes are wide. “Is he dead?”

  Aisley’s eyes shift down. No—please, no. I look over at the nurse. She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “I’m very sorry, Ms. Henderson.”

  “No!” I sob. I want to get up and run, but all the energy I had when I first woke up is gone. I sob harder

  when I look at Aisley—our child, the one we saved from the fire—and see her begin to cry as well.

  “Please try and relax, Ms. Henderson,” the nurse says releasing my hand. “Miss Aisley, 10 more minutes.”

  Aisley nods her head and follows the nurse with her eyes all the way to the door and waits for it to shut.

  “Hayley, I need you to listen to me,” her voice is coming out so fast that I barely catch what she’s saying. “Xavier ran. . .not dead. . .remember. . .try and remember!”

  I nod my head, but I don’t really know what for. Everything is just so peaceful right now, don’t you think?

  * * *

  “Xavier,” I say.

  He looks down at me. It feels like I’m floating. Like we’re miles above the clouds somewhere no one can touch us. I reach for the side of his face—I can feel the warmth through his scruff.

  “I love you, Hayles,” he whispers. “Always have, always will.” He kisses me on the lips, and I completely melt into him. I’m finally whole again.

  “Try and remember,” Aisley’s voice chimes in.

  I frown and can’t focus on anything for a moment. A gunshot fills my ears and wetness sprays over me.

  Xavier holds a fist to his chest. I wipe at my face and look down at my hands. Blood—Xavier!

  Before I can look back, I’m floating towards a giant set of doors. “Xavier!” I scream, and the door slams.

  * * *

  My eyes shoot open. I look around taking in the beige walls and the ordinary decor; a flower with fresh white roses sits on the nightstand on my left. I sit up and feel a sharp pain in my gut. I grab at my stomach and feel a bump where the pain hurts worse. I must have really gotten hurt for them to wrap this much gauze on. What happened to me?

  I try and remember how I got here, where Aisley was and Xavier—a pull in my chest almost makes me fall out of bed. He’s not here. Is he dead? I can’t remember.

  The light switches on in the room and burns my eyes. I shield them and blink several times before I regain my vision.

  “Sorry about that Ms. Henderson,” a nurse says. “Looks like you got some good resting time in.”

  “Yeah—”

  “Here are your vitamins,” she says handing me a small cup with pills.

  “Um, thanks,” I respond. She hands me a cup with water, and I swallow them down. “Where’s Aisley?”

  “Your daughter’s at school,” the nurse responds.

  “What?”My daughter? I guess we had to be a family to get in.

  “Your daughter, Aisley?” the nurse says marking something down on her notepad. “Do you remember how you got here?”

  “Xavier,” I say.

  “No honey, I mean here,” she smiles. “You were stabbed.”

  “By the cannibals—”

  The nurse’s lips purse up into a straight line. “We call them something different, but for lack of a better term.”

  She writes something else down and underlines it. “How’s the morning sickness?”

  “Are you all right?”Xavier’s voice echoes from somewhere. I look around wildly to see if he’s hiding somewhere in the room.

  “What’s the matter Ms. Henderson?” the nurse asks taking hold of my hand.

  I flinch at her touch. “I thought—” I start looking around again. “I thought I heard someone else in here.”

  “Nope. Just you and me,” the nurse smiles. She looks down at her notepad and circles several things. “Now, how’s the morning sickness?”

  “Is it morning now?” I ask.

  “No,” the nurse laughs.

  “Well I guess I don’t have morning sickness then,” I respond. This nurse’s cheery disposition is really starting to tick me off. “Was I sick before or something?”

  “Well of course,” she responds.

  I try and remember before I got here. Before I got to this moment with the fake nurse and the white flowers. I remember shooting that man who was going to kill Aisley. Iwas really sick that morning, but I just assumed it was food poisoning. Maybe she’s asking me now because of the stab wound or something. “I’m just going to listen,” the nurse says placing the stethoscope’s earbuds in.

  I nod my head. I try to remember what happened after Xavier brought me here. But everything is so confusing. My head throbs when I even try to think about anything before I woke up here. Maybe it’s like what happened to me with Cassie. Post traumatic stress disorder—but that would mean he’s dead.

  Well, not necessarily. It could be from the months running in the woods. But what if my nightmare was the truth? No—he couldn’t have been shot. He’s smarter than that.

  The nurse lifts my blanket and presses the stethoscope to my stomach. I swat her hand away. “What are you doing?”

  “Checking the heartbeat?” the nurse says.

  I frown, “Of what? My stomach?”r />
  The nurse laughs but stops when I scowl at her. “Hun, you’re pregnant.”

  January, Or Something Like IT

  I feel a wave of nausea sweep over me. “I’m—I’m—”

  “Pregnant?” the nurse says. “Yes. We estimate you’re about 19 weeks.”

  “What!” I yell. “How long have I been out?”

  “Your wounds were extensive,” the nurse assures. “We’ve been trying to keep you slightly sedated while they healed—”

  “Slightly sedated? You practically put me in a coma!” I yell knocking over the case of flowers that were on the nightstand next to me. “How long?”

  The nurse goes completely rigid and fold her hands over her lap. I have no idea why I’m so angry—must be hormones. “About four months,” she responds quietly.

  I stand and stalk past the nurse out of the door to my room. Fuck this, I’m finding Aisley and we’re leaving this place. Who the hell sedates someone for four months and thinks it’s ok? This place must be filled with nut jobs.

  “Ms. Henderson,” she calls after me, but I don’t stop. I turn left outside the door and head down a barren hallway.

  I need to find Aisley—there’s just too many questions that I know only she will answer. The pain in my stomach gets worse with each step I take. I look down and see blood seeping through my hospital gown. But beneath that, I see the small beginnings of a baby bump.

  Oh my god. I run my hands along my stomach. Iam pregnant. I’m carrying the last bit of Xavier with me.

  “Ms. Henderson, please you need to get back in bed. Your wound isn’t fully healed—”

  “It’s his isn’t it?” I ask spinning to face her.

  “Who’s?”

  “Xavier’s?” I ask. I can feel the tension in my voice. “I came here with him, he—he was the one who brought me.”

  “We estimate that you got pregnant recently, but I’m sorry we don’t know who the father is,” she responds taking a hold of my arm. “Now please, Ms. Henderson, we need you to get back in bed.”

  I look again at the blood on my stomach and feel panic travel up my spine. Did I hurt my baby? Our child?

  It’s the only thing I have left of Xavier. The only thing that makes him real.

  A pain stings somewhere in my chest. Xavier—he’s not here. I start sobbing, and the nurse attempts to hold me up. I fall to my knees and feel a pain in my stomach again. A scream backed by every ounce of pain comes out effortlessly. Footsteps come barreling down the hallway.

  “Bradley!” The nurse’s head shoots up in the direction of the voice. “What the hell is going on down here?”

  “I’m sorry, sir,” she whispers. “She ran and I couldn’t get to her—”

  “Gentlemen, please escortNurse Bradley out,” the tall man in front says. “Is everything all right, Ms. Henderson?”

  “What happened to Xavier?” I sob.

  “I’m sorry ma’am, but he was killed bringing you here,” the man says. I feel the familiar tug in my chest, but I swallow it down. “But surely you remember that, don’t you?”

  No, I don’t—because Xavier’s not dead. I’m sure of it. He wasn’t stupid enough to stand in the middle of a hot zone without taking cover behind someone or something. But why do I feel like these people are telling me the truth? Why do I hurt when I think about him? It’s like he’s some distant memory that I can just barely recall.

  “Ms. Henderson?” the man asks.

  “I don’t know,” I respond.

  The man lets out a sigh. “It’s ok, Ms. Henderson. Things must be very confusing for you right now. Let me help you to your room so you can rest.” I nod my head and reach for his hand. “In time, you’ll remember.”

  May?

  “Hayley!” Aisley calls from somewhere. I’m running through a hallway.

  “Aisley!” My breathing is quick and shallow. I’m holding something metal in my hand. A gun—Xavier’s gun.

  “Aisley!” I yell running faster now. They have her—the cannibals have her. I fire a round from my gun, and a body slumps down in front of me.

  “Hayley!” Aisley yells running towards me.

  “Come on, we’ve gotta get to the Four Runner—”

  Aisley’s hands grab the sides of my face and directs my head towards hers. “Try and remember!” she says in a panicked tone.

  A man comes from behind her, and I throw her to the side. All I feel is fire—a burning fire blossoming outward from my stomach. I look down and see a blade three quarters of the way into my skin. Blood falls like snowflakes to the ground.

  “No!” Aisley screams, and I’m engulfed in darkness.

  * * *

  I shoot up in bed, covered in sweat. I feel my stomach, but nothing is there except for the much-larger-than-I-remember baby bump. I lay my head back down, but leave my hand on my stomach.

  “I’m sorry I put you through hell,” I whisper. I rub my stomach in circles. Oh my god—it’s moving! It’s kicking—the baby’s kicking. I’m crying before I can stop myself.

  The door to my room opens slowly, and a wave of golden hair shines just on the other side.

  “Aisley?” I call out.

  She closes the door quietly and runs over to the side of my bed. Her arms close around my neck, and I squeeze her back.

  “I haven’t seen you in so long,” she whispers in my ear.

  “What are you talking about?” I say frowning. “I saw you two days ago.”

  “Mom,” she starts. Aisley sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. “We need to talk.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “Don’t mention anything about what happened outside the walls,” she whispers in my ear. “They’ll keep you here until you’re a shell. I need you—heneeds you.”

  “What do you mean ‘keep me here’?” I ask. “You’re not making any sense—”

  “They’ve been keeping you here for months, Mom—six to be exact,” she whispers. “Please, keep everything about us a secret if someone asks you about it. They’ll just keep knocking you out if you mention anything about the Wild.”

  “The wild?”

  “It’s what everyone calls it here. They’ll explain it to you once you stop remembering,” she responds.

  I nod my head. I look into Aisley’s eyes—gosh, she looks ages older since I saw her last. She’s probably two maybe three inches taller now, her green eyes are brighter, almost catlike, and she even carries herself like an adult. I know she acted well past her age when we were running, but it’s like I’m talking to someone my age now.

  “Six months, you said?” I ask. Aisley nods her head. “That explains the kicking—”

  “They kicked you?” Aisley squeaks. That’s the Aisley I remember. She pulls back and starts looking me over for bruises.

  “Aisley,” I laugh. “The baby is kicking.”

  She stops and every muscle in her tenses. “What?” she breathes.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Her eyes go wide, and she rips off the blanket. Her hand covers her gaping mouth. I motion for her to bring her ears closer.

  “It’s Xavier’s,” I whisper.

  “How do you know?” Aisley demands more than asks.

  “Well—” I don’t exactly know how to tell her that we were having sex in the room next door to her at the hotel. “Let’s just say Xavier and I—we uh, were—intimate?”

  A look of disgust similar to finding a bug in your food crosses over her face. “Ew,” she responds. “Gross.”

  “Yeah, sorry,” I mutter. “People eating other people, end of the world scenario, cannibals chasing us—it was nice to take a moment to ourselves from that.”

  “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear any of that come out of your mouth,” she responds.

  “Good deal.”

  A knock at the door sends us both jumping. “Remember—nothing about the Wild.”

  I nod my head. A nurse—a male one now—walks through the doorway.

  “M
orning Ms. Henderson,” he says. “Miss Aisley, shouldn’t you be in school?”

  Aisley’s shoulders go rigid—something in his voice sends a chill up my spine.

  “I’m sorry, sir. She just missed me so much, and I must have forgotten today was a school day,” I respond. I take hold of Aisley’s hand. “Now sweetie, you go on and head to school. I’ll see you afterwards. I’m making dinner tonight, so don’t be late.”

  Aisley smirks and kisses me on the cheek. She disappears behind the thick oak door that separates me from the rest of civilization. I turn my attention to the nurse and fill my voice with falseness. “Sorry about that. Sometimes I can be so forgetful.”

  “It seems like you’re doing much better Ms. Henderson,” the nurse says smiling. “How’s the baby doing?”

  “He’s kicking,” I squeal. I don’t have to lie about that. And to think, last year I would’ve freaked if something like this came my way. I still can’t explain why I am so calm about all of it. It could partially be the drugs they’ve been giving me, but I truly believe that a big part is because this is where Xavier and I were heading. He got me that ring—my ring.

  I look down at my fingers and stare at the bareness of each and every one of them.

  “Ms. Henderson,” the nurse says reaching a hand out. “Is there something wrong?”

  “Yeah—” I start. I can’t bring up the ring without bringing up Xavier. If I do, it means I remember things that didn’t happen here. I breathe out and hold my head. “I’ve got this terrible headache,” I say instead.

  The nurse nods his head. “That’s completely normal. We’ve put you on some medications, that don’t affect the baby of course,” he responds. “But they might give you some mild headaches.”